"Mommy, am I weird?" N was lying in bed with me because Grandma was in town. N was a little sick, so I had him in bed with me. I was asking him what he did that day and helping him practice talking, making sure his grammar was correct and what he told me was actually true. Talking sensibly to someone is still not his favorite thing to do, but I still try.
After what he asked, I was both taken aback and crushed. Was it the aimless wandering in circles? The incessant talking to himself? The look of always being distracted?
"Mommy thinks you are handsome." I tell him.
After my initial sadness, I was thinking perhaps N was asking in a Mr. Spock kind of way. Matter of factly, just wanting to know. I hope it was not one of those earnest, self-esteem filled questions. It's hard to tell with him because if he's happy or sad, he still looks the same most of the time. It's one of those things where it hangs so much more heavily on my heart than on his. I think it's like that in so many things with my little boy. Everything he does I scrutinize-would a typical 9 year old do that? How about an 8 year old (maybe it can pass for being just a little immature)? Is it noticeable? Is it something people would make fun of him for or shrink out of fear? Or maybe it's O.K. I never have any satisfactory answers. And then I remind myself: It doesn't bother him that he is autistic. It bothers me. Way too much.
"I am handsome," he repeats immediately after me.
And I know I gave him the right answer.
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