Albert Einstein, the brilliant scientist who most likely was autistic, said "There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle." For the past few weeks, I've been in a funk, but today I started pushing myself out.
I was fortunate enough to be able to go to the mall by myself to get a couple pairs of free underwear from Victoria's Secret. I had two coupons- one for free underwear and another one for $10 off any purchase. So of course I bought another pair of underwear (boy shorts, not briefs or panties). I was ready to pay my tax (stores always charge for that), but the cashier said no, there's no tax. Is this a small miracle?
Next was a snack yearning. Something sweet. Ready to shell out some money, I passed by a yogurt shop giving out free samples. Is this a miracle?
There's also a new store at the mall- all used books for $1-3 dollars. I ended up buying a book of Henri J.M. Nouwen's reflections (I like him better than C.S. Lewis), one by Richard Carlson (of the "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" series), and another book called Resilience. That satisfied the book lover AND cheapskate in me. Another miracle?
On a bigger note, I was thinking of all the things that seemed to be crashing down in my life. N's summer therapy program was rejected by the Regional Center. This was after spending months petitioning for it since April and running around calling and stalking every Joe, Moe and Larry available. But a week after the denial, the hospital called to say they were going to give N a scholarship for half the cost. Definitely a miracle.
A bunch of other things too, that seemed so crucial and upsetting, now has passed. I consider it a miracle that the situations are done and I do not have to think about them anymore. I am convinced that there are miracles everywhere. It's just allowing my heart to believe.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Update to CURSING!*%^*
The other day the whole family was in the car. S was saying "Damn you all, damn yoo el, danny el."
"S, stop saying that. Mommy told you it's not a nice thing to say." I look at him, sitting in the backseat and trying to perfect his swearing while our family drives to Target.
"What was he saying?" my hubby asked. I explained what happened earlier.
"Oh. I thought he was talking about his friend Daniel..."
"S, stop saying that. Mommy told you it's not a nice thing to say." I look at him, sitting in the backseat and trying to perfect his swearing while our family drives to Target.
"What was he saying?" my hubby asked. I explained what happened earlier.
"Oh. I thought he was talking about his friend Daniel..."
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Bedtime Talks
"Mommy, am I weird?" N was lying in bed with me because Grandma was in town. N was a little sick, so I had him in bed with me. I was asking him what he did that day and helping him practice talking, making sure his grammar was correct and what he told me was actually true. Talking sensibly to someone is still not his favorite thing to do, but I still try.
After what he asked, I was both taken aback and crushed. Was it the aimless wandering in circles? The incessant talking to himself? The look of always being distracted?
"Mommy thinks you are handsome." I tell him.
After my initial sadness, I was thinking perhaps N was asking in a Mr. Spock kind of way. Matter of factly, just wanting to know. I hope it was not one of those earnest, self-esteem filled questions. It's hard to tell with him because if he's happy or sad, he still looks the same most of the time. It's one of those things where it hangs so much more heavily on my heart than on his. I think it's like that in so many things with my little boy. Everything he does I scrutinize-would a typical 9 year old do that? How about an 8 year old (maybe it can pass for being just a little immature)? Is it noticeable? Is it something people would make fun of him for or shrink out of fear? Or maybe it's O.K. I never have any satisfactory answers. And then I remind myself: It doesn't bother him that he is autistic. It bothers me. Way too much.
"I am handsome," he repeats immediately after me.
And I know I gave him the right answer.
After what he asked, I was both taken aback and crushed. Was it the aimless wandering in circles? The incessant talking to himself? The look of always being distracted?
"Mommy thinks you are handsome." I tell him.
After my initial sadness, I was thinking perhaps N was asking in a Mr. Spock kind of way. Matter of factly, just wanting to know. I hope it was not one of those earnest, self-esteem filled questions. It's hard to tell with him because if he's happy or sad, he still looks the same most of the time. It's one of those things where it hangs so much more heavily on my heart than on his. I think it's like that in so many things with my little boy. Everything he does I scrutinize-would a typical 9 year old do that? How about an 8 year old (maybe it can pass for being just a little immature)? Is it noticeable? Is it something people would make fun of him for or shrink out of fear? Or maybe it's O.K. I never have any satisfactory answers. And then I remind myself: It doesn't bother him that he is autistic. It bothers me. Way too much.
"I am handsome," he repeats immediately after me.
And I know I gave him the right answer.
Friday, April 26, 2013
CURSING!*%^*
"Mommy, what is damyuall?"
I lifted up my head to see S and his brother watching Time Crisis 3 videos on YouTube. It's an arcade game where mercenary brothers shoot and blast everything. They've played it a few times and now they like to watch uploaded videos of it in all kinds of different languages. I just didn't know that it would also include such "colorful" language.
"He is saying 'Damn you all.' That's a bad word. It means that you want bad things to happen to people. I don't want you to say that to anyone." I don't know why, but I decided to be truthful. My grammatical explanation in the singular might be a bit off, but the general sentiment is correct. I could have gone with the standard "I have no idea what it means," which my mother-in-law used on my spouse for all the raunchy jokes he didn't understand and would ask her about in jr. high.
I guess I wanted to see how S handles it. DYA is a better saying to start with than some other four letter words and phrases. They continue watching YouTube on their tablet. Looks like it is working. No biggie. They know it is wishing something bad on someone and would not wish that on anyone. At least not at the present.
Five minutes later, S is sitting at the computer, trying to load a game from Nick Jr. and practicing saying "Damn you all. Dan you all. Daniel all."
Oh yeah, S has some auditory difficulties at times. "Munchkin" turns to "monk chin" for him and we have to practice for about five minutes before he can say "munchkin." "Melody" turns into "lemony." "Cinnamon" is "synonyn."
"S, I told you to not say that. It is not nice and I don't want you to say it."
Caught in the act, he ruefully looks at me and stops.
Well, we'll see what happens in the future. But I won't be too distressed if he gets mad at someone and starts yelling "daniel law!" at them. This will be a good way for him to be given something to exercise some self control.
I lifted up my head to see S and his brother watching Time Crisis 3 videos on YouTube. It's an arcade game where mercenary brothers shoot and blast everything. They've played it a few times and now they like to watch uploaded videos of it in all kinds of different languages. I just didn't know that it would also include such "colorful" language.
"He is saying 'Damn you all.' That's a bad word. It means that you want bad things to happen to people. I don't want you to say that to anyone." I don't know why, but I decided to be truthful. My grammatical explanation in the singular might be a bit off, but the general sentiment is correct. I could have gone with the standard "I have no idea what it means," which my mother-in-law used on my spouse for all the raunchy jokes he didn't understand and would ask her about in jr. high.
I guess I wanted to see how S handles it. DYA is a better saying to start with than some other four letter words and phrases. They continue watching YouTube on their tablet. Looks like it is working. No biggie. They know it is wishing something bad on someone and would not wish that on anyone. At least not at the present.
Five minutes later, S is sitting at the computer, trying to load a game from Nick Jr. and practicing saying "Damn you all. Dan you all. Daniel all."
Oh yeah, S has some auditory difficulties at times. "Munchkin" turns to "monk chin" for him and we have to practice for about five minutes before he can say "munchkin." "Melody" turns into "lemony." "Cinnamon" is "synonyn."
"S, I told you to not say that. It is not nice and I don't want you to say it."
Caught in the act, he ruefully looks at me and stops.
Well, we'll see what happens in the future. But I won't be too distressed if he gets mad at someone and starts yelling "daniel law!" at them. This will be a good way for him to be given something to exercise some self control.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
New Year 2013 (In March)
It's been awhile since I posted. Just the ups and downs of life. But I am back :)
This post was started back in January and it was meant as kind of a New Year's Resolution. Funny how three months can give you a different view. So looking back, I had two resolutions. One I think I have lived out better more than the other. So below is what I wrote back in January:
Two things I plan to focus on this year. Number 1: to remember FIRST the things that are not measurable by any test.
Things like:
1. initiative
2. humor
3. compassion
4. persistence
5. creativity
6. contentness
7. selflessness
8. living in the moment
And Number 2: I want to focus on knowing that I can cope and survive whatever comes.
I was reading a research book about optimists by an English author. She cited true events that occurred in England. A millionaire in England who committed suicide and an unemployed immigrant who saved someone from the freezing Thames River. Asked why, the unemployed hero said, "because life is always worth living."
So now in hindsight with three months behind me, the first resolution about remembering the importance of certain things, I think I do a little bit better, though not because of any disciplined mental training. It just happened little by little that I now see more (or is it maybe that I can appreciate more?) all the little things that the boys do. They will share their snack with you no matter who you are or what they have. S's insistence that he will grow up to be a race car driver and rifleman is backed up with daily cowboy pistol practice while ducking behind counters and imaginary races with his Hot Wheels cars. N's creativitity and neatness shows in all the little cartoons that he draws, complete with speech bubbles. They still have a their difficulties, but I think the only thing that changed is me. Now I can see their initiative and humor and creativity and selflessness so much more clearly than when I was tormented by all their "deficiencies" and "behaviors."
And as for the second resolution, I'm still working on it. This is the one that I will definitely need disciplined mental training.
This post was started back in January and it was meant as kind of a New Year's Resolution. Funny how three months can give you a different view. So looking back, I had two resolutions. One I think I have lived out better more than the other. So below is what I wrote back in January:
Two things I plan to focus on this year. Number 1: to remember FIRST the things that are not measurable by any test.
Things like:
1. initiative
2. humor
3. compassion
4. persistence
5. creativity
6. contentness
7. selflessness
8. living in the moment
And Number 2: I want to focus on knowing that I can cope and survive whatever comes.
I was reading a research book about optimists by an English author. She cited true events that occurred in England. A millionaire in England who committed suicide and an unemployed immigrant who saved someone from the freezing Thames River. Asked why, the unemployed hero said, "because life is always worth living."
So now in hindsight with three months behind me, the first resolution about remembering the importance of certain things, I think I do a little bit better, though not because of any disciplined mental training. It just happened little by little that I now see more (or is it maybe that I can appreciate more?) all the little things that the boys do. They will share their snack with you no matter who you are or what they have. S's insistence that he will grow up to be a race car driver and rifleman is backed up with daily cowboy pistol practice while ducking behind counters and imaginary races with his Hot Wheels cars. N's creativitity and neatness shows in all the little cartoons that he draws, complete with speech bubbles. They still have a their difficulties, but I think the only thing that changed is me. Now I can see their initiative and humor and creativity and selflessness so much more clearly than when I was tormented by all their "deficiencies" and "behaviors."
And as for the second resolution, I'm still working on it. This is the one that I will definitely need disciplined mental training.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
My Own Jim Carrey
S is funny. And that is saying a lot because I don't really have a funny bone. I like comedies and jokes, but actually make one? I think it's easier to do long division.
So I know S definitely does not get it from me.
Most of the time, I am always wary about whether my kids are acting appropriately. But the other day, we were at a party and here is S, doing his "The Amazing World of Gumball" imitations in front of about twenty moms and kids. I'm not really a slapstick type of person, but everybody was laughing.
So maybe I should loosen up too. You won't find me doing any impersonations soon, but my son reminds me that it's OK to laugh. And it's OK that he can make other people laugh too.
So I know S definitely does not get it from me.
Most of the time, I am always wary about whether my kids are acting appropriately. But the other day, we were at a party and here is S, doing his "The Amazing World of Gumball" imitations in front of about twenty moms and kids. I'm not really a slapstick type of person, but everybody was laughing.
So maybe I should loosen up too. You won't find me doing any impersonations soon, but my son reminds me that it's OK to laugh. And it's OK that he can make other people laugh too.
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