Nobody Died

A couple years ago, I read a very interesting article.  It was from a counselor who had a child with special needs.  His article posits (and I'm paraphrasing here) that parents of SN children are in a continual state of grief and it's various stages.  Unlike death, which happens once, a SN parent must continually deal with the death of expectations as the child grows older.  For example, a Kindergartener is expected to write their alphabet and be potty-trained.  So when a SN child is unable or extremely late to meet those expectations, a parent grieves the loss of what their child can't do.  When their child hits the teenage years, most people expect dates and proms and friends.  When that doesn't happen, parents grieve again.  When a child becomes 18, most people think jobs or college.  And when that doesn't happen, there are more things for parents to process.  Of course, all of the above are just snapshots of different "expectations" in life.  Usually it is always on-going.  The divide grows wider and parents can't really finish processing the grief as age-based expectations keep on moving.

I think it hit me harder this year.  They are still in elementary school, but kids are expected to know so much more than what we learned.  Essay writing, bits of geometry, reading chapter books and non-fiction topics such as the growth of Chinese immigrants during the mid 1800's and how Chinatowns formed while the Anti-Immigration Act went on.  My tiger mom senses are starting to dull.

My grief and struggle is that I don't know how much longer I can keep them in a mainstream classroom.  But if I put either of them in a special education setting, I think, that will probably signify the death of any college hopes.  (And for me, that is something worse than death.)  Is it to their benefit to stay in a mainstream class?  Their classmates are good to them.  It's the work.  They are not failing, but am I ruining them by waiting until they are completely failing in everything?  Before, I would have stuck with my tiger mom senses and no way would I let them fail at school things.  Their feelings do not matter on this issue.  Even now there are days where it seems like they are doing well, but other days creep in more frequently when I look at what they need to do and I start feeling exasperation/sadness/anger welling up.  Some days we trudge through it all.  Now we have days where I just give up and we go eat ice cream and everyone is happy for the moment.       

I am still processing, still grappling with what is best for them.

I think I should find a counselor and have him or her on speed dial...